The simplest and highest value in my life is often lost in my daily stuff. I understand that the most important thing, the real treasure, is feeling good. Yet once in a while, I forget myself and overlook what I know to be true, what I really want.
Sometimes, I’ll see a way to help someone else; maybe offer some courtesy or small generosity, honor an agreement, or assist a friend or client. But for some reason, I occasionally slide into feeling obligated instead of enjoying being who I want to be, acting in a way that can matter to someone else.
I often tell clients, “Beginning today, don’t do anything you don’t want to do, and don’t do anything out of obligation.” Why? Because obligation doesn’t feel good; it’s an experience to be avoided whenever possible. But how to shift out of it? By Reframing it.
Reframing is a simple but important process. Take the example above: I begin by just noticing that I’m not feeling good, and I can choose to feel better. Then, I refocus and remind myself of how I’d rather feel — that I’ve helped someone, or honored a commitment — and the experience changes for the better. Remembering the vallue of feeling good, and that I’ve just managed to get there from feeling obligated, I give thanks for the reframe. Giving thanks locks in this new and better feeling.
Even though it was simple, I’ve just described a powerful four-step reframing process process, called Pivoting, that can make a real difference in your life. In this case, Pivoting moves the idea of “nothing matters so much as that you feel good” from a concept to being a driver in your behavior.
It works like this: First, notice that you don’t feel good. Second, notice it’s because of how you choose to see a thing or event. Third, make a different choice — an evaluation, judgment, or understanding — that feels better and moves you out of obligation. Fourth, give thanks for the shift in how you feel.
This is the simplest possible reframe (and a great tool for when driving in traffic!). You can use it often if you simply remember that how you feel depends on how you choose to see something. And that nothing matters so much as that you feel good.
It’s a matter of claiming your own agency, of self-regulating your energy and emotions. When you do that, you are doing something most people will never do, even once in their lifetime: you are deliberately shifting your energy and emotions from negative to positive. It’s a big reward for simply remembering and choosing to see something a bit differently.
And a word about the last part of the process, giving thanks. Most of us have trouble honoring or loving ourselves. Our culture and our society tell us we are undeserving and flawed. (It comes down to us from our Puritan ancestors.) In giving thanks, you are thanking and honoring yourself. A wonderful thing!